Over the summer, during my quiet time, I asked God to reveal to me what I’m clutching to tightly that he is asking me to let go of. Leading in my church hallway for 4th and 5th graders was his answer. So, I found myself at a place of leaving behind what was comfortable, what for 8 years was my place to serve. The timing surprised me a bit. I had been writing a book for a year and God impressed this upon me once the book was complete, but before I knew whether it would be published. I had been busy, but I wasn’t busy any longer. I was literally in the wait. Naturally, trying to discern whether I heard him correctly, I questioned, “why now, when there are no other serving opportunities before me?”. The response, “I need you to be ready!”. Ready for what, I am still not certain. But, in obedience, I let the director of kid’s ministry know that I would be stepping down without anything to fill its place. I waited and I waited. I let other ministries know I was available. Small invitations were offered. I would complete them and then I would be back to waiting. I’ll admit there was guilt. How do you explain, “I am leaving you, knowing you don’t have enough volunteers because I’m supposed to be ready, but I don’t know what I need to be ready for.”
Since I couldn’t control whether the book would be published or when it would be published, I started to consider what I could do in the wait. I considered what desires God had placed on my heart.
1. True connection and encouragement!
2. Discipleship!
3. Authentic transformation!
I got the bright idea that I could use the time gained to focus on connecting with women. At every turn, however, connecting fell through. A newly established summer group from my church fell through. Meeting with close and dear friends fell through. Meeting over the summer to connect with women from my Bible Study for coffee fell through. Meeting and discipling someone fell through. Almost every “connecting” activity I tried to participate in, didn’t happen.
I began spending time in Exodus and discovered the beauty of God’s conversion of Moses’s heart, how God transformed Moses into the man that God knit him together to be, but also how God showed Moses that he could accomplish nothing without God. God spurs Moses to intervene on behalf of his people. He goes, but he doubts. At first there is belief by the people, but when oppression increases, the fragile faith of both the Israelites and Moses crumbles.
Exodus 5:22-23 “Then Moses turned to the LORD, and said, ‘O LORD, why have you done evil to this people? Why did you ever send me? For since I came to Pharaoh to speak in your name, he has done evil to this people, and you have not delivered your people at all.’”
Can’t you just imagine God saying to Moses, “Moses, it is not you, but me they don’t believe. I will bring deliverance, but first, I need you to trust me, to wait on me.” The increased oppression at the hands of the Egyptians makes the deliverance all the more obvious, all the sweeter. It leaves no doubt that deliverance belongs to God, not Moses.
This is the place I have been all summer long. I could do nothing without God. What should have been simple and easy became impossible, yet I was invited to participate in things, some really amazing things, things I couldn’t imagine and didn’t feel equipped for. Today, I marvel. The last two ministry events I’ve attended, ironically, one centered on rest, God has been moving, showing me that I don’t have to toil. He has the ability to draw people to me, to create the connections I desire, despite myself. On both of these occasions, God has orchestrated sitting me beside women who he is drawing to my Bible study group without any help from me. My role is showing up and seeing the woman in front of me. Had it not been an unnatural summer of closed doors, after being told to be ready, I’m not certain I would have recognized these events for what they are. God’s hand alone brings abundance, my hand alone brings draught. God alone orchestrates the “coincidences” and successes just as he did for Moses. All movement belonged to God, my toiling just brought confusion and frustration. God has been showing that Rest and doing God’s work gloriously co-exists. I don’t have to work too hard. I don’t have to be clever or engaging, or funny or know the exact right things to say. I just need to move when he directs me to move, to be available with a heart that longs to be used.
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